Lesbian Moms, Getting It Right

What Are Lesbian Moms Getting So Right?

In the last few years, it’s become clear that children raised by lesbian moms aren’t just performing as well as their heterosexual-raised peers: in many areas, they’re outpacing them. In several studies, children raised by lesbian moms tend to be more self-confident, less prone to anxiety or depression, and more compassionate than their peers. So what is it about having lesbian moms that prepares kids so well to take on life’s challenges?

Lesbian Moms Divide Responsibilities More Equally

In a “traditional” family, stale gender roles can still be the order of the day. Thankfully, these roles are changing in most families, but it’s safe to assume that plenty of nuclear families are dividing household chores and responsibilities like we’re still in the 1950s. In a household with two lesbian moms, though, there’s no room for these old expectations of who works and who raises the kids: as supported by several studies, lesbian moms are more likely to:

• Divide their time between paid employment and household labor
• Prioritize equality between parents
• Make major decisions based on discussion and consensus

For kids, this can be a major influence on development: children raised by parents who conform to expected gender roles may grow up believing that household chores and childcare are “women’s work,” while a home with equality between parents shows children that everyone takes on different responsibilities at different times.

Lesbian Moms Are More Honest With Their Kids

Eventually, all kids want to know where they came from. While “the talk” is something that many heterosexual parents might delay until adolescence, lesbian moms tend to talk to their children earlier in life about their family situation. In families with lesbian moms, there’s rarely a simple conception story: a sperm donor might be a friend who is still a presence in the family or an anonymous donor, while other lesbian moms choose to adopt. In any of these scenarios, kids will have questions, and lesbian moms tend to be better-prepared to give them answers.

Kids raised in an environment where questions and open discussion are encouraged are more likely to embrace those ideals outside of the home. Whether this means that a child of lesbian moms is more likely to participate in class discussions, that they’re more likely to talk to someone from a different background, or that they’ll be better-prepared to explain their family situation to peers, openness and honesty can have major benefits in developing self-confidence and compassion.

Lesbian Moms Often Choose Their Families

In many cases, lesbian moms have the advantage of choosing the adults who will play a role in their kids’ lives. A common question for families with lesbian moms is “What about male role models?” According to the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study, which has studied lesbian moms and their kids for nearly thirty years:

• There is no difference between kids raised by lesbian moms without a significant male role model and their peers
• Earlier concerns about gender socialization were based on the assumption that kids are only exposed to individuals of one gender
• It’s possible that children play a more active role in processing information and learning what it means to be a girl or a boy based on society, their peers, and the media.

The same study showed that many lesbian moms actively “screened” prospective male role models before their children were born. If anything, the kids of lesbian moms may have access to better role models, since their parents take on a more active role in deciding what kind of men will play an active part in their lives.

Learning From Lesbian Moms

There’s a lot more that lesbian moms are getting right when it comes to parenting: whether you want to talk about the long-term studies showing zero cases of abuse in lesbian-parent households, or the records of academic success and quality of life reported by the children of lesbian moms, it’s clear that having two moms can set kids up for high achievement at any point in life.

Lesbian moms, we’d love to hear from you: any success stories to report? What about tips for new parents?