After Gay Marriage, Be a Better Husband or Wife

You said “I do,” and that means you’re in a relationship for better or for worse. But how do you make sure that your marriage has more “better” moments than “worse”? While there are plenty of resources out there that can tell you how to be a better spouse, most of those are aimed squarely at a straight audience, meaning they’re loaded with traditional gender roles and expectations. But what does “being a good husband” mean when you’re both husbands? Are there different ways to be a “good wife” in the context of gay marriage?

5 Ways for Success After Your Gay Marriage

Luckily, there are plenty of ways you can work on being a better husband or wife without leaning on traditional roles and expectations. While these ideas aren’t cure-alls for the rough patches that come up in any relationship, they can help build a strong foundation of communication, support, and compassion after gay marriage:

1 Focus on the Positive

So your husband left a pile of dirty clothes on the floor–again. Before you turn a small annoyance into a fight, take a moment to step back and consider the positive traits that you love about your spouse. While you might think of this as “picking your battles,” it’s also an exercise in appreciation and realizing that the positives–love, support, caring–far outweigh the minor hiccups. After gay marriage, focus on the positive.

2 Balance Your Needs and Theirs

The saying that marriage is a compromise may be a cliché at this point, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. In any relationship, finding a balance between each individual’s needs can be tricky to navigate, and after gay marriage is no different. If your wife prefers to stay at home, but you’d rather go out and socialize, figure out a way to balance those needs, like hosting a dinner or game night for friends at your house.

3 Shut Up and Listen

There’s nothing worse than having a conversation with someone who just seems like they’re waiting for their turn to talk. If your husband or wife has something on their mind, actively listen to what they have to say instead of trying to suggest solutions. There’s a good chance they just need a sympathetic ear, rather than unsolicited opinions that can be misinterpreted and lead to arguments. Find small ways to show that you’re actively listening, though: ask questions and be truly engaged with what your spouse has to say. After gay marriage, actively listen to your spouse.

4 It’s the Little Things

Gay marriage isn’t about grand gestures (although who doesn’t like one of those every once in awhile?). It’s easy to lose sight of opportunities to show affection, appreciation, and love when you get bogged down by everyday responsibilities. Try holding your husband’s hand in public, or giving your wife an unexpected compliment. This may prove even more beneficial to the long-term health of your marriage than any expensive vacation or extravagant gift, since these small gestures show you care and are thinking about your spouse.

5 Don’t Forget to Have Fun

You said “I do” because you love spending time with your spouse, but it’s easy to get caught up in daily routines and obligations. Getting into a rut can be a sure recipe for marital doldrums, so shake things up! Take a weekend trip, go out for a fancy dinner, or check out that new club in town. Try an activity you’re both interested in, but have never done together. This can shake out the cobwebs when things start feeling a little stale, and make memories for both you and your spouse.

After Gay Marriage: Perfectly Imperfect

Even the most supportive, affectionate, and compassionate gay marriage is going to have off days: times when you’re not dealing well with outside stress and take it out on your partner, moments of miscommunication, and instances of wondering why you got into this relationship in the first place. While these techniques and tips won’t eliminate those feelings of insecurity or unhappiness that arise from time to time, they can help build a foundation to weather and overcome those moments.

Any marriage can be messy and difficult at times, but a strong foundation of communication and mutual appreciation of what each partner brings to the relationship can set you and your spouse on a path toward marital success.

Of Interest: Countries that have legalized same-sex marriage: Netherlands 2000; Belgium 2003; Canada, Spain 2005; South Africa 2006; Norway, Sweden 2009; Argentina, Iceland, Portugal 2010; Denmark 2012; Brazil, France, New Zealand, Uruguay 2013; England, Wales, Scotland 2014; Greenland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Mexico, USA 2015. Ireland is the only country to have passed marriage equality by popular vote. Finland passed legislation making same-sex marriage legal by 2017.